Self Actualization: So, How’s Your Life?

Remember this quote?   ““I must listen to my life and try to understand what it is truly about – quite apart from what I would like it to be about – or my life will never represent anything real in the world, no matter how earnest my intentions . . . Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am.” Read more

Self Actualization: Are You A Stranger In a Strange Place?

What is it about this scene from Fiddler on the Roof that’s so heartbreaking?  The families are being forced to leave their home village of Anatevka.  They say themselves, it’s nothing special.  “It’s just a place,” says Golda.  If you’re familiar with the story, you know that there are tensions and hard feelings between some of the residents of the village, and some of the characters are just downright irritating.  But in those last few minutes in their home, they cling to each other.

As we’ve talked about your path to self actualization, we’ve highlighted some of the qualities that make you unique – your talents, personality and your relationships.  But you are also human, sharing the same core features as all other humans, and humans are not solitary beings.  If you took the quiz yesterday, you may have realized that you struggle in this area, so let’s talk about some basic principles that will help you function as part of a community.

• Humans have an innate need to belong. If you know someone who rejects human companionship by word or action, this isn’t a case of one more personality type.  Almost always, this self-imposed isolation is evidence that something has gone wrong.  Maybe the person has been hurt too badly to trust, or is depressed.  Maybe it’s a case of mental illness.  In any of these cases, the only appropriate response is compassion.  You don’t have to enjoy anti-social behaviors, and you certainly should protect your own interests.  But reacting with judgment or negativity will only add to the damage, and you, as a card-holding member of the human race, have no right to damage others.
• Humans are reluctant to end relationships. We find security in ongoing relationships, and insecurity in ending them, even when we know that they are damaging or unhealthy.  If you know you need to end a relationship, your feeling of resistance is instinctive, and isn’t necessarily an indication that ending it is the wrong choice.
• Humans need both social contacts and solitude. If you can’t function when you’re by yourself, this is as unhealthy as being unable to function in a social group.  Find a balance between the two.
• Most people who are in healthy, enduring relationships live longer and are healthier and happier than those who are alone.
• Like attracts like. There’s no evidence that opposites attract.  People are drawn to those that are similar to themselves.  This is why we have established social rituals and a standard of good manners.  If the idea of “putting your best foot forward” feels dishonest to you (like you’re pretending to be someone you’re not), this might help explain. Two humans initially form a bond over qualities that they have in common, so they instinctively search for those similarities.  Only after the bond is formed do they begin to reveal their more “weird” features.  The origins of racism may go back to this human trait.  The solution to overcoming racism lies in finding the common, human ground between groups of people who may appear at first to be widely different.
• Friendships are built through frequent exposure. If you’re the “ship who passes through the night” type, you may be cheating yourself out of the fundamental connection that comes from being in a community of people.

The people in your “community,” whether it’s an actual town or neighborhood, a workplace, a church, or some other group or combination of groups, will not be perfect.  But through repeated exposure, you’ll come to know them, and, to varying degrees, care about them and rely on them.   There’s comfort in it, even as you may struggle to maintain the balance between that community connection and your privacy and boundaries.  Cherish your community for what it is – a loose but necessary association of flawed humans – and you’ll find that self actualization is closer than it ever was before.

Self Actualization: Are You An Island?

Sociologists have discovered that humans have an innate need to belong to a group of people.  Healthy humans devote a good amount of time and energy on securing and maintaining their place in a social group, and self actualization includes having a healthy relationship with and within a community of people.  Let’s see how you are in this area:

For each of the following statements, answer True, False, or Sort of:

1. In most situations, I feel like a stranger in a strange land.
2. I refuse to follow social norms and behaviors; after all, isn’t it more important to be myself?
3. People in general can’t be trusted, and the farther they stay away from me the better.
4. I have fewer than 2 people in my life that I like and see regularly.
5. When I hear news about tragedies in far away places, I change the station.  After all, it’s not my problem.
6. I don’t help people if I think they brought their problems upon themselves.
7. In most situations, I keep my head down and my mouth shut.  No one listens to me, anyway.
8. I have fewer than three regular “social obligations” – work, school, church, civic organizations, etc.
9. I avoid permanent connections with others.
10. Generally, I think people either ignore me or dislike me.
11. If I think another driver cut me off or another shopper cut in front of me in the deli, I let them know what I think – I don’t put up with anything from anybody.
12. My time is expensive; I don’t give it away to any person or organization without a tangible payoff.
13. Frequently I wonder why the people still in my life put up with me.
14. Usually people who fall on hard times did something to make it happen.
15. I know which people at church/the club/the gym/work are likely to ask for a donation of time or money, and I avoid them.
16. I move around a lot, either by physically moving house or by never frequenting the same place too often.  I’m not a “regular” anywhere.
17. I know some people are outraged by some of the things going on in the world today, but they’re wasting their emotional energy.  There’s nothing you can do to change the world.
18. There are no groups where I feel really welcome and included.
19. There are no groups where I feel necessary.
20. I can’t really make a difference in the world.
21. Life is short, so I’m going to look out for Number One.
22. I know I should do more to help others, but I’m too busy.
23. I wish there was a way to make a difference, but life is what it is.
24. I wish I knew how to fit into groups, but I’m always the awkward hanger-on.
25. There are fewer than four people who probably feel like they “need” me.

The more “true” responses you were able to give, the more disenfranchised from society you may feel.  Your journey toward self actualization will include strengthening your ties to a functioning community of people.  This might include involvement in organizations like civic groups or church, volunteering, and contributing resources like your talents, money, leadership abilities and time.

If you aren’t used to thinking of yourself as a social animal, you might assume that this isn’t an important element of self actualization.  Once you experience the richness of living fully in a community of other humans – giving and taking and interacting – you’ll see what a difference it makes.  The Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin reported on a study that was conducted on people with “dismissing avoidant attachment style,” in other words, people who believe they don’t need to belong.  In studies, the participants felt better about themselves when the others in the group accepted them.  After a certain amount of rejection and hurt, you may not want to need others, but you still do.  The key is to learn to be a part of a community while still protecting your personal boundaries and sense of identity.  And we’ll talk more about that tomorrow.