Live Big: How Understanding the Serenity Model will Increase Your Emotional Maturity

Do you ever read the headlines on the celebrity rags in the grocery store check-out lines? This one is in rehab. This one is getting a divorce (again). This one feels (or at least looks) like a new woman after massive cosmetic surgery.

What would it take to make you happy? The answers that pop into your mind — love, money, peace and quiet — sound good, but then, take another look at the tabloids. These people appear to have it all, but they are obviously miserable.

Life is just too short to be miserable.

In recent blogs, we’ve been talking how to change your life and achieve lasting peace by attaining emotional maturity. One of the keys to success here is to understand The Serenity Model.

Let’s refer back to The Hero’s Choice. The main character of the story, Hal, had his world rocked when he was ousted from his own company. This disaster was quickly followed by money worries, tension in his marriage and fractures in his relations with his kids. His friend, Donald, an older man who has been through fires of his own, has taken on the role of tour guide in Hal’s journey toward emotional maturity.  The following is an abridgement from the book:

“It seems to me,” Donald tells Hal, “we live from one of four attitudes or perspectives.  First is survival. From this perspective, life is a battleground. We don’t like the way things are, yet we feel powerless to do anything about it. Our basic stance is reactive and self-protective. We feel like a pawn of events and circumstances, and try to make ourselves feel better by making excuses, blaming others, or escaping into drugs or alcohol or other addictive behaviors. Life is painful.”

Hal nodded. “I’ve been there. In fact, I feel like I’ve been in survival mode since I was fired last month.”

Donald looked at him, nodding. “A crisis does that to us.”

“So, what are the other three perspectives?” asked Hal.

“I call the second one security. This is how most people spend their lives. We’re steady, dependable and basically honorable in our approach to life . . . Living in security is more about avoiding losing than about winning. We carve out a comfort zone to stave off failure, rejection and discomfort. . .”

“So what’s next?” Hal asked.

“The success mode,” replied Donald. “We meet life head-on, conquering challenges and taking advantage of opportunities. We’re proactive and motivated, disciplined and goal-directed. We put out an image of having it all together and being in control. We don’t like showing weakness.  Life is good — but only when we perform well. Many people come to the realization that success doesn’t automatically lead to happiness and fulfillment. In fact, their success begins to feel hollow. There’s success, or achieving a predetermined outcome. And there’s fulfillment, the sense that life is full and meaningful.”

Let’s stop here. I’d like you to take a minute to look inward. Do you have fulfillment in your life? Are you at peace with who and where you are? If you never complete any of the things on your to-do list, never fulfill any of the tangible goals that you’ve set, will you still be at peace?

Perhaps at some point, the celebrity currently smiling out of the cover of TantalizingTabloid Tales was convinced that she would be happy if only she had the perfect body and face. Perhaps she thought she’d be happy if only she got that movie or TV role, or achieved the kind of fame that put her on magazine covers. Now what is she thinking? That she’ll be happy if she wins an Oscar or Emmy? What if she never wins one? What if she does? Will she be happy then?

What about you? Does something external have to happen in order for you to have peace and fulfillment? Let’s let Donald explain further:

“When success doesn’t lead to fulfillment, most people redouble their efforts, believing that accomplishing even more will bring them their elusive prize.  What they don’t realize is that success and fulfillment are not the same thing.  We need to remember that success has to do only with outer, material things, and fulfillment has to do with our inner or spiritual world.  The more important journey isn’t the one out there.  It’s in here,” he said, pointing to his chest.

Hal asked, “How do you achieve serenity?”

“You don’t really achieve it, like reaching a goal.  It’s something we create – and maintain – through our choices.”

Like Donald, and, increasingly, Hal, you will find peace and serenity if you use your Key Moments to make intentional choices to:

• Practice living from your true or real self
• Align your life to universal laws or principles
• Be governed by “want to” or “choose to”
• Accept others and the realities of life
• Live real and congruent
• Be interdependent and care about the welfare of others
• Honor your trust based beliefs
• Stay alive in the present
• Make your choices consciously

Are you ready to Live BIG?  Live a life that feels meaningful, whole and complete by developing emotional maturity and centering your life within The Serenity Model.

Live BIG: How to Become Emotionally Mature

Hal hated the man, everything about him, from his knowing sneer to his rolling swagger.

He wished fervently he could get away and considered getting up and walking out without a word to either of them.  But then he garnered his faculties and decided to accept this reality.  He would choose how to respond, and his choice would be to act cordial and cooperative.  He felt a surge of strength as he realized that handling himself in a dignified manner with both these men would be a bigger personal victory than if he met with Keith alone. . . .

The Hero’s Choice

Do you want to change your life?  The single tool that you need, more critical than your intelligence, background or education, is emotional maturity.  In the last few blogs, we’ve been talking about exactly what emotional maturity looks like.

When your inner grown-up is running the show, you will be more self-aware.  You’ll recognize your feelings and manage them in a responsible way.  You’ll handle and build positive relationships and move yourself steadily toward your definition of success.  In other words, you will excel at life.

How can you be emotional mature?

1.  Be present.  Be in the moment.  You’ve heard it a thousand times, but it’s no less true for the repeating of it — this minute is the only one you have.  You can’t rewrite one minute of the past.  You can’t construct one minute of the future, except by taking hold of this minute you have right now.  You’re reading this blog right now.  What will you do with the next?  Focus on it when you’re in it.  And now the next?  Focus on it when you’re in it.   Hattie allowed herself to be defined by her past, her lack of education, her fear of rejection and change.  Each time she considers taking ownership of her present, her mind bounces back to those thing.  If she chooses to be present, she will instantly empower herself.  She could decide what she wants her remaining twenty or so years to consist of, and then set off to get it.

2.  Embrace reality.  Refusing to think about uncomfortable things gives those very things incredible power over your life.  Mona refuses to think about the reality of her financial situation and so continues to make it worse with each swipe of her card.  If you are worried about your finances, sit down and take stock of exactly where you are — how much you owe, for example, and exactly how you will pay it off.  Fun?  No.  Wildly uncomfortable?  Words can’t express it!  But by taking ownership of the reality, you’ve now equipped yourself to change it.

3.  Exercise responsibility.  You have choices.  You always have choices.  Refusing to admit that is like using a hard steel industrial padlock to secure yourself into a flimsy cardboard box.  There are numerous behaviors that Hattie could have changed in our example.  You also have numerous choices, but if you’re a “Bratty Hatty” they might be invisible.  Challenge your assumptions.

4.  Clarify your vision.  We talked about this a little bit in my blog about the definition of success.  Hattie wanders through her life, ruled by impulse and circumstance.  What does she want?  From our story, you’d have no idea of what she really wants out of her life, because she has no idea.  What do you want?  Define it, so you can get it.

5.  Act from Integrity.  No excuses.  No whining.  No hypocrisy.   Hattie pretends that she wants to be productive, but there’s no evidence of that in her actions . . . and the discrepancy doesn’t trouble her.  Again, challenge your assumptions.

By now, you’ve probably built a strong mental image of emotional maturity.  Maybe you’ve spotted some areas in your life that you want to change.  In my next blog, I’ll talk about another factor in your emotional maturity, called The Serenity Model.

Live Big: Are You Ready to Put the Grown-up In Charge?

Shamefully, Hal watched his wife and daughter turn their backs on him and walk inside.  Never had he felt so cut off.  He wanted, desperately, to hide, disappear, to revoke his own birth.  He wished for the earth to swallow him whole so he would never again face another human being.  Overwhelmed by what he had done, he stood frozen as waves of grief and shame pulsed up from deep within him. . .

He stared into the darkness.  His life was spinning out of control . . . and everything he did was making it worse.

The Hero’s Choice

Yesterday we met two sisters, Hattie and Millie, who fall on very different places on the spectrum of Emotional Maturity.  Today I want to introduce you to the specific qualities that make up Emotional Maturity (or the lack of it).  I’ll refer back to Hattie and Millie as I go through these, but you’ll likely see some reflections of your own life as well.

Let’s start with the traits associated with Emotional Immaturity.  You saw these with Hattie.  We can call these qualities part of your lesser self, or more colorfully, your Inner Brat!

Your Inner Brat:

Is reactive to life.  Hattie had many pretty wishes, but if you look at her actual actions, you’ll see that she was was like a pebble on the shore, being washed in different directions instead of choosing where to go.

Acts out of emotion. Hattie believes that seeing her father is important, but her actual action is dictated by her emotion (sadness) instead of her brain or values.

“Comes from” fear and scarcity. She would like to work at the craft store, and the income would help solve her debt problem, but she makes her decision based on her fear of rejection.

is motivated by “have to” and “ought to.” Because she has no apparent goals or direction of her own, her days are spent reactively.

Focuses on “getting.” What does Hattie want to be?  What does she want to do?  We don’t know, because when we were traveling in her mind, we saw only objects that she wanted, as if those objects were solutions.

Is dominated by the desire for security and self-protection. This takes us back to the job at the craft store.  Hattie is unwilling to take the risk to make a life change.

Avoids failure, rejection, discomfort and being wrong. This is reflected throughout our time with Hattie.

Allows separation and alienation from others. Remember the clerk in the mini-mart?  How long would it take for Hattie to walk into that store and discover whether the clerk is still the same person she was in high school (and who among us hasn’t changed since high school?)

Lives in the past or the future.  Hattie may wish that she’d gotten a better education, but if you’ll notice, her sister isn’t wasting her time wishing.

As you read through this list of qualities, some may have resonated with you more than others.  You may have allowed some of these to dictate your behaviors recently, even today.  Others may be patterns you fall into when you are tired or stressed.  When you allow your inner brat to make your day-to-day choices, you cripple your ability to succeed.  Your finances, your relationships and your self esteem all suffer.

Now we’ll take a look at the attributes of Emotional Maturity, as we saw in Millie.  I guess we could refer to this collection of attributes as your Inner Grown-up.

When your Inner Grown-up is running your life, you’ll be:

Proactive about life. If something doesn’t satisfy you, you’ll develop a strategy to change it — and then you’ll follow through.

Inclined to Act ON your emotions instead of OUT of them.  Millie was as sad as Hattie over their father’s decline.  She valued her emotion enough to “power-up” with a leisurely lunch (some “me” time) and to keep her trip to the college as something to look forward after the visit.

Governed by your vision or purpose.  What is Millie’s vision for her life?  Our little story never goes into the details, but her actions alone tell us that she has a purpose.   Do yours?

“Coming from” love and abundance.  Do you hesitate before reaching out?  Are you afraid there aren’t enough resources for you and others?  Do you compare yourself or your life to others?

Motivated by “choose to” and “want to.” Know your own purpose and values for your life, and live accordingly, instead of spending precious hours trying to satisfy others.  Make intentional decisions to change your life.

Giving and other-centered.  Although Millie has plenty to do and problems of her own, she instinctively lives by the old Hindu Proverb, “Help they brother’s boat across, Lo! Thine own has reached the shore.”

Willing to step-outside your comfort zone and willing to seek growth, take risks and take yourself to the limit of your abilities. In the last twenty four hours, have you taken a risk or stepped outside of your comfort zone?  How about in the last week, or month?  Life change is never comfortable.  If you find that you’re expending energy to stay in your rut instead of climb out of it, it’s time to make a change.

Inclined to seek unity and goodwill with others.  Life is too short to live in discord.  More important, as humans, we are made to live in families and communities and to work together toward common goals.  Treat your relationships as sacred and you’ll discover a critical tool to change your life.

Live in the present, making use of the moments you have.  So when should you begin to make these changes?

Now.

You only have now, my friend.  So let’s get started. . .

Live BIG: Are You Emotionally Mature (part 2)?

The phone rang.  Hal started to pick it up, but pulled back and looked at the caller ID.  His parents. Nope, not ready to deal with them yet.  Breakfast tomorrow with his father would be soon enough.  For a moment, he wished Kathy would call them and blurt out the news.  Of course, she wouldn’t.  Besides, he wanted to make sure his father realized how unexpected and devastating the board meeting had been.

But that was tomorrow.  What would he do today?  He needed to clean out his office at Western.  No way.  Put that one off a few more days.

The Hero’s Choice

We’ve been talking about emotional maturity, and what a critical component they are when you want to change your life for success.  In my last blog, we started the quiz to determine whether you have emotional maturity.  If you missed that blog, please go back and take the first part of the quiz.

Before we start, I want you to think about goals you’ve set over the past few years.  Think about one that was really important to you, but that that you haven’t, yet at least, succeeded in, even though you tried more than once.  This might be going back to school to complete a degree, getting out of credit card debt, consistently spending more time with your kids, losing weight, or decluttering your house to the point that you can keep up with it.  Write the goal down — even if it makes you feel embarrassed or depressed that you’ve written it down so many times before.

Now respond to the following statements regarding that goal.  For each of the following statements, give yourself 3 points if it is almost always true or you strongly agree, 2 points if it is usually true or you agree, 1 point if it’s occasionally true or you might agree or disagree, and 0 points if it is hardly ever true or you disagree.

8.  I’ve set that goal more than once as a New Year’s or birthday resolution, but I’ve never really stuck to it for more than a week or two.

9.  I wasn’t able to complete that goal because my family members, work, financial situation, or responsibilities made it impossible.

10.  When I look at that goal realistically, I see that it would be a major change in my life or behavior, something that I probably should have broken down into smaller steps.

11.  I would never order anyone else to transform his life as dramatically as I expect myself to with this goal.

12.  If I were a different kind of person — smarter, more talented, richer — I would have achieved this goal.

13.  I should have accomplished this goal.  In fact, I should have never needed to make it a goal.  If I was what I should be, I would have accomplished it automatically instead of having to resolve to do it.

14.  There’s something wrong with me that makes it impossible for me to accomplish this goal.

15.  Every time I start to make progress on this goal, something happens that shuts it down.  Then I don’t get back to it for months or years.

16.  I really couldn’t tell you exactly what it would take in time, money or resources for me to actually achieve this goal.

And now, for the final section of the emotional maturity quiz, take a look at your day to day life, to see how you’re handling the choices you have over each twenty four hours.

17.  I spend most of my days “putting out fires.”

18.  I don’t have time to make to-do lists or list goals — I just have too much to do.

19.  Sometimes I make a list of what I need to do, but I never refer back to it again, and most of it never gets accomplished.

20.  I do everything at the last minute — even things I knew about months beforehand — because I’m too busy to be proactive.

21.  Every minute of my day belongs to other people; I just run around trying to satisfy all of their needs.

22.  I can’t think of anything I do consistently — daily or weekly — to make progress on a non-life-sustaining goal.

23.  I don’t have the opportunity to make choices about how I spend my day.

24.  If other people respected me and my time more, I’d have the ability to change some things in my life.

25.  The people in my life would have a fit if I suddenly started changing how I live; they’d never let me get away with it.

26.  I wish my family members understood how much I want to have/do/be something different.

27.  My financial circumstances make it impossible for me to succeed.

28.  My health makes it impossible for me to succeed.

Add up your score from this blog and the last, and tomorrow we’ll take a look at the results.  The sooner we can shore up your emotional maturity, the sooner you can change your life into the adventure of success and joy.

Live BIG: Are You Emotionally Mature (part 1)?

“We need to talk about how the kids are taking this . . . They’re scared, Hal.”

Hal shook his head.  “If they are, it’s probably because you’re upset and it’s rubbing off on them . . . besides, they’ve had it pretty easy. So things will be tight for a while.  So what?  They’ll get through this, and it might even be good for them.”

“They don’t need you moralizing.”  Kathy stomped a foot.

“And I’m sure you’re going to tell me what they do need.”

She ignored his sarcasm.  “You  . . . you’ve been gone so much with business that they hardly know you,” she said.  “Now that you’re not going to the office, maybe you can make time for them after school and on weekends.  Talk to them.  Listen to them.”

“Anything else, oh wise teacher?”

The Hero’s Choice

We’ve been talking about emotional maturity.  If you want to change your life, this is the single most important quality to get you there – more important than intelligence, talent, financial backing and family support.

Take this quiz to find out whether your emotional immaturity might be impeding your progress toward the success you dream of.  It’s a long quiz, and I’d like you to take the time to think about the questions, so I’ll just give you the first part today.  But keep track of your score so we can look at the total at the end.

For this first part, imagine you found a magic lamp and a genie offered to magically resolve the three biggest problems in your life – the problems that hinder you from reaching your goals and keep you up at night.

What three things would they be?  Maybe you’d choose to have a bigger bank account or a lower reading on the bathroom scale.  Maybe you’d want your critical relatives to move farther away or be struck mute, or you’d ask for some health issue to be resolved for you or your family member.   Maybe you’d ask for some massive internal change, like an upsurge of self-discipline or patience.  Write down the three things you’d pick.  Now respond to the following statements about those three things:

For each of the following statements, give yourself 3 points if it is almost always true or you strongly agree, 2 points if it is usually true or you agree, 1 point if it’s occasionally true or you might agree or disagree, and 0 points if it is hardly ever true or you disagree.

1.  When I look at my three wishes, I know exactly who is to blame for the fact that they haven’t already happened.

2.  All of my wishes are things that I wouldn’t be able to fix without a miracle or a genie’s help.

3.  If I could have those three wishes, my life would be perfect.

4.  I don’t expect to have any of those three wishes happen in my lifetime.

5.  I can’t think of anything I’ve done in the past month that would make any of those wishes come true.

6.  If other people would do what they should, I would have a shot of my wishes coming true.

7.  Even if there were things I could do to make my wishes come true, I’d never be able to do it.

Add up your score and keep it on hand.  In my next blog, we’ll continue the quiz about emotional maturity so you can take ownership of your choices and change your life.

Live BIG: What is the Key to Change Your Life?

“You said ‘move on.’  Do you think you can do that while holding onto the bitterness and resentment you’re now feeling?”

The question caught Hal off guard.  He had every right to be bitter and resentful!  A sharp reply was on his tongue.

But Donald continued.  “I only ask because I held onto my bitterness for a lot of years.  In fact, I’ve handled some of the biggest challenges in my life very poorly, in ways that almost destroyed me.”

Hal looked up.  “What do you mean by poorly?”

“Defending and protecting myself.  My ego, I should say.  Justifying my own actions and blaming people and circumstances . . .  It was after many years of suffering that I finally understood I’d created my own misery by the way I handled these events.”

The Hero’s Choice

It’s the ultimate insult from one teen to another:  “You’re SO immature!”

Are you emotionally immature?  Although we all know adults who are immature, few of us would willingly claim a deficiency of maturity ourselves.  We feel defensive at the very question, or even a niggle of self-doubt.  Sure, you’re an adult with all the trappings.  You keep a house, pay your bills, perhaps care for a family.  But you also have those moments when you’re tired or stressed out when you catch yourself reacting like a child.

This is true for all of us.  You’ve seen this:

• A perfectly sane shopper hits the stores during the holidays, and is suddenly jostling others in line and muttering unpleasant comments about the cashier, just loud enough to be heard.
• An even-tempered accountant discovers the scratch his teen left on the side of his car.  Burdened by rows of numbers and the impending tax deadlines, he finds himself railing at his kid like the car was the important thing.
• A normally reasonable woman gets a diamond on her ring finger and is magically transformed into “Bride-zilla” – an angry, demanding, spoiled . . . well, brat.

Stress, worry, high expectations, exhaustion . . . they can propel any of us into toddler moments, doing the adult equivalent of a kicking, screaming tantrum.  These moments are a good indicator that we need to stop and direct our energy toward calming down and addressing some of these issues, but they don’t necessarily mean that we’re emotionally immature.

But how can you determine whether you’re emotionally mature, and why does it matter?

As far as the first question – are you emotionally mature – we’ll talk about that at length in upcoming blogs, starting with a quiz to highlight your problem areas.

But let me address the second question here.  Simply, successful people are emotionally mature.  Your IQ is important, as is your work ethic, but research shows that emotional maturity is an even greater predictor of success.  Emotionally mature people face the drudgery of baby steps toward life change with consistency and resolve, and disappointment and challenges with courage, wisdom and imagination.  They don’t waste their energy on wishful thinking, living in denial, or comparing their lives to others; they see the job that needs to be done, formulate a strategy, and go after it.  Most importantly, they take responsibility for their lives and circumstances instead of blaming others for their unhappiness or lack of success.

Change your life and live BIG by achieving the powerful tool of emotional maturity.

Live BIG: How Can You Move from Dead-End Discouragement to Success?

He was lost.

Hal drove on tonight, gripped by the same desperation.  The road narrowed, blacktop to dirt, then ended deep in a canyon.  The sun had set, and the canyon was deep in shadow.  He got out of the pickup and watched the patterns of light changing, twilight into moonless night.  The blackest night he could recall.  Devoid of hope.

With a suddenness, something broke inside.  He gasped as the pain of his loss flooded his awareness, and he let out an animal cry of anguish.  It echoed back at him as he sank to his knees in despair.

The Hero’s Choice

As humans, we all hope that our lives will be one of fulfillment, joy and success.  Does that describe your life right now?  Or, like Hal, are you in the midst in of despair, losing hope that you’ll ever change your life?

If you find yourself trying again and again to make a life change with no real success, it’s time to learn how to be a success and live BIG.

First, let’s take a look at the word success.  Are you a success or a failure?  Let’s take a short quiz to find out.  Answer each of the following questions “yes” or “no.”

1. Are you an internationally renowned brain surgeon?
2. Are you the president of the United States?
3. Are you a multi-millionaire?
4. Are all of your relationships positive and affirming in all directions?
5. Have you written a best-selling novel?
6. Have you found the cure for Type I diabetes?
7. Are you a super model?
8. Did you rear your children to adulthood and have them turn out exactly as you’d hoped?
9. Did you pay off all of your household debt, including your house, and accumulate a huge nest egg?
10. Do you spend each of your days exactly as you choose?
11. Have you walked the Appalachian Trail?

Did you answer “yes” to all of these questions?

Let me take a wild guess and say, No.  Since I don’t know of any US presidents who were also super models who cured Type I diabetes, I’m pretty sure no one could answer “yes” to all of them.  Few of us could answer “yes” to three or more.

Does that means that you are a failure?

It all comes down to your definition of success.

Any one of those questions above could be the definition of success for you.

If your definition of success is “getting the kids through college and still having enough money to retire in comfort,” then you could walk the Appalachian Trail and still not be a success.  If you define success as, “being the kind of parent I always wished I’d had and launching my kids into the world with the knowledge and resources they need to build happy, healthy lives,” then you could be a multi-millionaire and still be a failure.

In the book The Hero’s Choice, Hal’s definition of success was completely intertwined with his success in his business.  It’s only later in the story that his definition is broadened to include the his marriage and parenting skills.  If you do what Hal did – bring your definition of success in line with your values – you’ll change your life.

The very words “success” and “failure” strike right at the core for many of us, resonating with some of our deepest fears or aspirations.  But they are meaningless sources of stress until you define your terms.  If you don’t meet some defined objective or goal, that is failure.  You can avoid failing by refusing to create a goal or objective in the first place, but you will also avoid succeeding.  You alone can define the words “success” and “failure” as they apply to you.  If your passion is to teach high school science but your mother wanted you to be a successful stockbroker, then if you are a stockbroker earning six figures, you’ve failed.  The definition of success is deeply personal.

In the upcoming blogs, I’m going to introduce you to the major key to change your life and achieve success — and it’s not what you may think.  But before we go on, I’d like you to give some thought to what exactly success and failure mean for you.  Take a long look inward, noting your passions, your talents and your values.  Is your life where it “should” be?  Are you doing what you were born to do, and doing it well?