The elder sister, Millie, always starts out bright and early on her errand day, hat perched neatly on her head and neatly penned list in her white-gloved hand.  She settles in her car, but before she starts off, she glances about her, checking her mental checklist:  Purse?  Wallet in purse?  Gas in tank?  Cell phone?  (Come on . . . Just because she wears gloves and a hat doesn’t mean she doesn’t carry a cell phone).

Once satisfied, she moves through her errands in a logical orders, taking into account both geographical considerations and logical considerations (the grocery store has to be last or the ice cream will melt).

Because she is organized, she has plenty of time to chat with the elderly Mrs. Dundridge to hear about her goiter for the third time and to take young Michael Caslow and his bike to the repair shop.  She treats herself to lunch — always trying a new restaurant or at least a new item on the menu — before facing the most difficult task of all.  She visits her father at the nursing home.  He has shrunken to an alarming emaciated state and no longer recognizes her, but she hopes some part of him feels the love she brings.

When she’s done, she usually stops by the community college to either browse the schedule or pick up a textbook for the next course she wants to take.  She’s in the middle of associates degree in marketing, and thinks she might take a part-time job when she’s done.  Her main goal is to continue learning and growing.

Millie’s sister Hattie has one errand or another to run nearly every day, because she’s constantly realizing too late that she’s out of ketchup in the middle of making sloppy joes or unable to find the paper punch she needs for scrapbooking in the cave of supplies that is her craft room.

She loves shopping, although she has to rotate credit cards, but she never goes into the mini-mart because the clerk used to fun of her in high school.  She think about visiting her father, but it makes her feel so awful that she usually changes her mind.  It’s been four months, in fact, since she forced her little car up the winding road to the hospital.

Sometimes she thinks about changing her life — getting a job to help pay down her credit cards.  There’s a “help wanted” notice on the craft store window.  She’d be perfect for the job, she thinks, but then rejects the idea.  Who would want to hire her?  She doesn’t have a degree or any special skills, and ,besides, she’s too old.  She should have gotten her degree when she was young and had the chance.

But it’s too late now.  Too bad.   If she worked at the craft store, she’d get a discount.  If she could just afford that amazing new scrapbooking file, she’d be able to organize her supplies.  Actually, she’d probably need two of the files.  Okay . . . six.  But then she could get it all organized.  But she couldn’t afford them.  Maybe in a few years, something nice would happen — a windfall or surprise — and everything would get better.

Since we’ve been talking about how emotional maturity can change your life, you’ve probably guessed that Hattie and Millie represent two ends of the emotional maturity spectrum.  I’m going to talk more about the specific qualities of emotional maturity in my next blog, but for today, let’s look at how you did on the Emotional Maturity Quiz in the last two blogs.  Total up your score if you haven’t yet and check your results.

If your score was:

0 – 10    You have attained near-perfect emotional maturity.  Or, more likely, you guessed the ideal answer and selected it.  Consider going through the questions again with an attitude of self-examination and willingness to challenge your assumptions.

11 – 30   You’re very high on the Emotional Maturity spectrum, again assuming that you responded with your feelings instead of guessing the ideal answers.  You’ve allowed your experiences to give you wisdom and you take responsibility for your life.

31 – 50    You fall somewhere in the adolescent range when it comes to Emotional Maturity.  Don’t be discouraged by this; the fact that you’re willing to reach for the power to change your life by answering honestly is a shining sign of your potential!

51 – 84  You’re in serious Hattie territory here — governed by habit, fear and blame.  Again, take heart from the fact that you’ve allowed the quiz to expose this self-limiting world view.  It takes courage to shine the light on our weaknesses.  That fact that you’ve displayed that kind of courage shows that you’re willing to go all the way to change your life!

Are you ready to unleash the power for life change that comes from attaining Emotional Maturity?  You’re going to be amazed by the forward-surge this gives you toward your bright future.  We’ll get started in my next blog.

A short time later, he heard Kathy’s SUV pull into the garage.  He was surprised she didn’t immediately burst into the shop and light into him for not accepting Sam’s offer.

Marriage Help: Is Your Marriage The “Happily Ever After” You Dreamed Of?

When Susie called him to dinner, he realized why.  Kathy brought the subject up not more than a couple minutes into the meal.  “Sam Richards offered your father a job.  Isn’t that nice?”

“Kathy.”  The fire in his voice got everyone’s attention.

“Well, he did,” she reiterated.  “Only your father won’t take it.  Restoring his car is more important to him.”

“I don’t think we should get into this now.”  He gave her a look that neither she nor the kids could misinterpret.  Then he explained to the children that yes, he had been offered a job, but it wasn’t what he was looking for.

“Why can’t you take it anyway, just for now?”  Derek asked, pleading in his voice.

Hal shot a furious glance at Kathy, who smiled triumphantly.

The Hero’s Choice by Roger K. Allen

Here at the Human Development Institute, we’re committed to teaching you how to move your marriage beyond obligation and power struggles to develop a union of joy, friendship and unconditional love.

How did you feel when you read the excerpt above?  Even if you haven’t read the story and don’t know the characters, you might have felt tense, embarrassed, or indignant.  You might have automatically sympathized with either Hal or Kathy.  Or you might have felt that deep-down clench at what, for you, is a sickeningly familiar scene.

The fairy tale of “happily ever after” is just that – a fairy tale.  Behind the white lace, first dance and photos lurks a call to action:  “Here’s where the real work begins, so let’s get started!”   Sadly, our culture, which inundates us with trivial knowledge – the latest slang, the private lives of celebrities, and political scandals – has very little to offer in the way of useful marriage help.  Many people simply don’t know how to create a loving marriage.  Worse, many people are so unfamiliar with what a marriage should look like that they are stunned when their own ends.

Can you agree with the following statements?

• When my partner disagrees with me, I make a point of hearing him/her out, to make sure I really understand his /her point of view.
• I can name three situations in the past month which have upset or irritated my partner.
• If I see my partner unexpectedly, I still get a thrill of happiness.
• My partner respects me.
• If my partner suffered a cataclysmic illness or injury, I’d stick with him/her – no question.
• If I suffered a cataclysmic illness or injury, I have no doubt that my partner would be by my side.

If your answer to any of these is “false,” or if you’re just not sure, then you have some work to do in your marriage.  This isn’t bad news – it’s good news.  Good news!  You are now more informed than many, many people around you.  Good news!  You have the opportunity to build a more beautiful relationship between you and your spouse.  Good news!  There is somewhere you can go for marriage help.

If you’d like some marriage help to build your marriage into a true “happily ever after,” join me for The Four Pillars of a Successful Marriage Seminar on June 24-26, 2010.  Get the understanding and tools you need to create the loving and fulfilling relationship that you’ve always dreamed of.

I’m not going to try to explain how it worked, but it was clever – and effective.  The little rascals flew into the jar, and they didn’t fly out again.

Personal Development: Why Aren’t You Making The Progress You Want?

“This is really original!” I said. “You should make more and sell them.  You always said you wanted to start your own business – this could be it!”

He shrugged.  “Yeah, I sent a letter to one company, but they weren’t interested.”

“One company?  Only one?”

“Sure.  Want to see their answer?”

It was a form letter, reading something along the lines of, “Dear sir, thank you for your idea submission, but we are returning your materials unread.  To prevent any confusion about the originator of ideas, we ask that submit your idea through the following channels . . .”

My friend gave me a twisted smile, then folded the letter back up and put it in his pocket.  “Their loss.”

One of the principles we teach at HDI is that we all act from core beliefs, even if they’re unconscious. My friend had the intention of starting his own business.  So what’s stopping him from using this invention (or one of his others) as the springboard and going for it?  Why isn’t he creating the new reality he wants?

Why aren’t you creating the reality you want?

You may have the core belief that you should change careers, improve your family relationships, or, like my friend, start your own business.  How long have you know that you need make this change in your personal development?  Are you getting there?  If not, why not?    What’s stopping you from getting where you want to go?

We act out of our core beliefs, and that’s how we create our reality.  For instance, if one of your core beliefs is that exercise will prolong my life, you will incorporate healthy patterns into your life, creating your reality.  But what if your have another core belief, one that I’m not even aware of, that conflicts with that idea?  Let’s say your parents both died young, and you have an unconscious belief that it’s inevitable that you will as well.  Or you believe that you have no right to take the time away from your family to exercise, or that people won’t take care of you if you become healthy and strong.

Unconscious core beliefs are insidious; they influence our actions, leading to a very different outcome than we planned for and affecting our personal development on every level.  You may be baffled by your failure:  “I set goals, I tried.  This isn’t my fault!”  You might attempt to explain your failure by blaming:

• Another person:  “My family falls apart if I leave to go to the gym.  My kids will stage a coup if I stop buying junk food.   The weather’s too unpredictable this time of year to go running.”
• Your own defective nature:   “I just can’t get up that early in the morning.  I got so wrapped up in work I forgot to go at lunchtime.  I guess I’m just a born slacker.”
• The defective nature of the goal:  “It was a dumb idea anyway.  I’ll live as long as I’m supposed to live.  It’s more important to deal with the now than the future.”

These might feel like legitimate explanations.  After all, you tried.  But if you allow these explanations to take root, you rob yourself of your ability to truly change your life.  Dig deeper.  Question your excuses.  Challenge your self-limiting belief that you can’t do something.  Once  you expose your unconscious core beliefs,  you’ll empower yourself, at last, to truly change your life and LIVE BIG.

If you’d like to learn more about how you can jump start your personal development and break into a new world of success in every arena in your life, join me for an upcoming LIVE BIG seminar.

Roger K. Allen, Ph.D. is an expert in personal and organizational change. The tools and methods Dr. Allen offers have helped tens of thousands of people transform the ways they work and live.  To learn more about him and his services, visit http://www.abouthdi.com. To learn more about his new book The Hero’s Choice: Living from the Inside Out, go to www.theheroschoice.com. Its also available on amazon.com or any local bookstore.

Hal glanced around the table, hoping that one of his long-time colleagues would speak up on his behalf.  No one, except Charlie White, met his eyes.  Not Keith, his golfing buddy who had lauded his every move – until Charlie’s arrival.  Not Patricia, a single parent who had asked Hal to be godfather to her adopted son.  Not Larry, a friend going back to high-school whom Hal had rescued from a dead-end job to become a partner in Western.

Personal Development: Have You Ever Been Betrayed?

Hal’s chest tightened.  He was on the wrong end of a power struggle, and not one of his friends was stepping into the fray.  No one was willing to take on Charlie White.  He sat back down, wondering what – if anything – he could do to salvage the meeting.  “What’s going on here,” he asked. . .

The Hero’s Choice, by Roger K. Allen

Have you ever been blind-sided?  Ever been betrayed by people you trusted?  Maybe a friend, or even a family member, took you down, broke your heart with a few words or a single action that revealed layers upon layers of disloyalty.

“I didn’t know!” you cry.  “I didn’t see this coming at all!”

“Oh, but you should have,” your mind taunts back.  “The signs were all there, and you were just too blind to see.”

And you see it now – the clues to this coming treachery.  The muttered word, the sideways glance, the quiet phone calls.  How could you have missed it?  The facts were right there in front of your face!

To move forward in our personal development, we have to learn the difference between facts and perceptions — facts as colored by our feelings and beliefs.  The funny (in the sense of peculiar) thing is that we tend to give more weight to our perceptions than the uncolored facts.

The charm, beauty and wonder of life lie not in the facts, but in our feelings about the facts.  When you look into the face of your newborn infant, you don’t exclaim, “Excellent!  A carbon-based, biped life-form that falls within the normal  range on length, weight, and number of digits.”

Instead, you . . . well, you probably cry.

That same human quality, though, can be our downfall if we don’t learn to distinguish fact from perception.  In my book, The Hero’s Choice, Hal’s perception of his partners was filtered through his belief that he was the boy wonder, that everyone admired him for taking a little bit of nothing and turning it into a $60 million company.  There was a time when that perception had matched the reality, but that time had passed without his noticing.  As a result, he walked into that fateful meeting completely unprepared.

Later in his journey of personal development, Hal was lucky enough to have a friend, Donald, who challenged his perception of the facts.   Hal “. . . was astonished to realize he’d been reacting automatically and just assumed his point of view was the truth about the situation.”

Are you making the same mistake?  Almost certainly – we all do in one arena or another.    Maybe you work under the assumption that your grandchildren think your knock-knock jokes are funny, or that your neighbor secretly dislikes your dog.    But if you’re struggling with your life, struggling to break out of mediocrity or unhappiness, it’s time to take a good long look at your perceptions.

• Ask questions:  “You know, honey, you’ve mentioned a couple of times that your sister’s husband treats her like a princess.  Are you feeling like I’m taking you for granted?”
• Open your eyes to clues.  “Okay.  The neighbor slammed his door shut when I waved this morning.  We found our party invitation crumpled up in the yard.  And someone in the neighborhood reported us to the city for collecting rainwater in an uncovered barrel.  Maybe we’re having a problem here.”
• Listen.  If a co-worker has made four jokes – this morning – about your personal phone calls, there might be more to her message than her desire to become a stand-up comedian.

Maybe you remember that old show from the ‘80’s and ‘90’s, Star Trek:  The Next Generation. One of the characters from that show was an android named Data who was unable to experience emotions.  He was constantly baffled and intrigued by the human experience.  For example, in one episode, he kissed another character named Jenna.  “What were you just thinking?” Jenna asked him.

“In that particular moment, I was reconfiguring the warp field parameters, analyzing the collected works of Charles Dickens, calculating the maximum pressure I could safely apply to your lips, considering a new food supplement for Spot . . .”

“Well,” the disgruntled Jenna answered.  “I’m glad I was in there somewhere.”

The equation for Living Big is this:

Reality (what is) + Responsibility (my willingness to choose) = Results (what I get).

If you’re having trouble turning this math into the personal development you dream of, it’s time to get a little help.  At HDI, we specialize in helping people like you live your best life NOW by giving you the strategies and tools you need.  Join us for the LIVE BIG seminar and unleash your potential.

Roger K. Allen, Ph.D. is an expert in personal and organizational change. The tools and methods Dr. Allen offers have helped tens of thousands of people transform the ways they work and live.  To learn more about him and his services, visit http://www.abouthdi.com. To learn more about his new book The Hero’s Choice: Living from the Inside Out, go to www.theheroschoice.com. Its also available on amazon.com or any local bookstore.

Are You Cheating Yourself Out of Your Abundance and Prosperity?

One dark night on a winding road in Malibu, he was struck by an idea.  “You know, I could turn right (over the side of the canyon) and no one would know.  It would look like an accident.  My wife would get $3 million of insurance.  It would solve all of our problems.”

If you’ve been reading along in my blogs, you know that, while reality is tangible and concrete, our perception of a given reality has a huge impact on what happens next. Our lives can be blooming with abundance and prosperity, but if we can’t see it, we’re likely to throw it away before we recognize it.  The reality for Jim Moret was that he was – and is – buried by debt.  His perception, that his life could be valued in dollars and cents and that there was no hope for him, that he was defined by his big house and lavish lifestyle, very nearly determined what would happen next for him.

We all organize our lives around four general themes:

• Fear and Scarcity
• Duty and Obligation
• Achievement and Success
• Abundance and Goodwill

Initially, Jim Moret had organized his life around the theme of Achievement and Success.  He was a man of worth, because he had visible success and celebrity.  When the former CNN anchor faced the prospect of losing all the tangible signs of his Achievement and Success, his theme changed to Fear and Scarcity.  He didn’t know how to get his former lifestyle back, and without it, his life was worthless.   He might as well just jerk his steering wheel to the right and end it all now.

For Jim Moret, the fact that he was even considering suicide shocked him into opening his eyes.  He thought about his wife and his three children, and that led him to ask himself, “What if I had one day left, how would I view life?  What’s important?  What would I value?  How do I look at friendship and love and gratitude and laughter and music and forgiveness and adventure?  And none of those things had anything to do with money.  Money was the root of my desperation.”

Jim Moret’s theme of Fear and Scarcity shifted to one of Abundance and Goodwill.  He realized that he already had the most precious things in his life – he just needed to stop measuring his life by false values.

January can be a bleak month.  The holidays, with their media induced illusion of peace, abundance and prosperity through commercialism, are over, and the credit card bills are coming in.  Financial worries can stress relationships to the breaking point, and that negativity can infect all of your relationships.  For many of us, Fear and Scarcity are the theme of the month!

Try to distinguish between facts and  perception (facts as filtered by your perception).  For example:

Fact:  You own $30,000 in credit card debt.

Possible perception (distortion):

• You’ll never get out of debt.
• You’re mother in law was right about you — you’re a failure.
• You’re going to live in poverty during your retirement.
• Everything is terrible in your life.

You may have problems.  You may even have very big problems.  But you can’t confront challenges if you can’t see them clearly.  Don’t allow a filter of Fear and Scarcity to distort the facts into insurmountable obstacles.

With his wife’s encouragement, Jim Moret was able to sort through facts and perceptions of facts by journaling, and that journaling translated into a book, The Last Day of My Life, that may help solve some of his financial problems.  Hopefully his perception change will be a lasting one, and he will devote the remainder of his life to the theme of Abundance and Goodwill.

Confronting and correcting your filters is a critical step in transforming your life, but it’s not an easy step.  Here at the Human Development Institute, we are dedicated to empowering people to take that step into abundance and prosperity so you can achieve your greatest desires and live a joyful and abundant life.  Let us support you in this incredible journey.

“I’m 15 for a moment, caught between 10 and 20 . . .”

Self Growth Products: Are They The Key to Making Your 100 Years Count?

The singer is fifteen, then twenty-two, then thirty-three.  Then “the sea is high” and he’s forty-five.  “Another blink of an eye, sixty-seven is gone.”  Then he’s “ninety-nine for a moment, dying for just another moment.”  One hundred years of life, captured in a four minute song.

A fifteen year old hearing that song might not be struck by the poignant truth, but if you’re like me (farther down that road of life), it hurts a little to hear it.  “Time flies” isn’t just a cliché.  I can still remember what I felt the day my wife and I brought our first child home.   And now I go by the name “Grandpa.”

It’s New Year’s Eve, another holiday to mark the rapid passage of time.  Is your life all you dreamed it would be?  Have you accomplished your goals?  Have you cherished your family, lived out your dreams, made every moment of your decades count?

If not, you might be turning to the shelves of self growth products out there – books, videos and CD’s designed to help you change yourself and your life.  But have you gotten the results you hoped for?  The advice in these materials is often valid (if redundant), but too often people don’t see the results they hope for.  Why?  Some reasons:

• Although they are temporarily inspired by the advice in self growth products, they don’t know how to use it to make a lasting change.
• They don’t have the tools to translate general advice to their specific situation.
• They don’t recognize key moments and how pivotal they are in defining the future.
• They don’t understand that the change in their life doesn’t depend on external circumstances, but on how they process those circumstances.
• They haven’t been taught to distinguish between reality (knowable facts) and meaning (understanding of the reality as filtered through their core beliefs).

In my next blog, I’ll tell you how you can overcome some of these hurdles so you can make the lasting changes to fill your life with the abundance and love you’ve been craving.

Whether you’re twenty-two, thirty-three, forty-five, sixty-seven, or even ninety-nine, it’s not too late to Live Big.  How did Thoreau put it?  “I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.”  Life is too short – too precious – to live any other way.

Are you ready to LIVE BIG?  Join me for a dynamic, fun, action-filled seminar that will unleash your power to change your life and achieve your goals.  You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain with this exceptional self growth product!

Roger K. Allen, Ph.D. is an expert in personal and organizational change. The tools and methods Dr. Allen offers have helped tens of thousands of people transform the ways they work and live.  To learn more about him and his services, visit http://www.abouthdi.com. To learn more about his new book The Hero’s Choice: Living from the Inside Out, go to www.theheroschoice.com. Its also available on amazon.com or any local bookstore.

The Hardest Thing I'll Ever Do

After several weeks of research and marketing experience I learned just how difficult it would be to achieve that goal. I learned that only one book in every 120,000 published hits a million sales and most authors don’t sell more than a 1,000 books. Pretty grim numbers.

But I also learned that it only takes around 10,000 sales in a week to be a best seller on one of the big lists—New York Times, USA Today, or Wall Street Journal. So I continued my research by consulting with a well-known book marketer to explore a campaign to accomplish that goal. We had about three conversations by phone. Initially I grew excited. Here was someone who had never struck out. He’d helped 43 authors accomplish this goal. I was onto something.

As we continued to talk, we got more specific. He told me I’d have to pre-sell 20,000 books (my rolodex didn’t hold that many names), hire a top PR firm, hit the big media, and do a several city tour promoting the book. I remember the words he spoke next. “This will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life.”

Not that I’m one to walk away from a challenge. But, I had to carefully weigh whether or not I was willing to pay the price to get that result. I thought long and hard. In my final conversation with him we talked the financial commitment to make this happen—an investment of three to four hundred thousand dollars.

Conversation over. Decision made. At that moment I knew I wasn’t willing to pay the price to make this dream happen. I’d still create a marketing plan and do my best to promote my book but the glitter of “best-seller,” at least in a top media outlet, no longer had the same appeal. Not that I couldn’t have found a way to do it. I wasn’t willing to pay the price.

My experience with this marketer caused me to reflect upon what I really want. Part of our work at HDI is inviting, prodding and supporting people in getting clear about their vision. This clarity is an important part of discovering success, joy and meaning in your life. What do you really want? How clear are you?

I believe 80% of the message from the Law of Attraction, so popular these days. I also realize that clarity, even positive emotion, is not enough to give us what we want. There is also a price tag associated with our vision.

I continued to think about the words of the marketer over the next several days: “This will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life.” If not selling books, then what aspect of my personal and professional vision is so big as to be worthy of calling “the hardest thing I do in my life?”

The answer was clear. There is no more important vision for me than living from my highest self—to daily live from an attitude of abundance, goodwill and love, no matter what. I don’t mean this statement to sound grandiose or self-righteous. But it’s the reason I wrote my book. I realized that far more important to me than selling the book is living the book. I also know it’s the hardest thing I’ll ever do.

There are moments when I succumb to my lesser self. In all honesty, I’m not a naturally optimistic and buoyant personality. I’m more sullen than cheerful. Doubt and feelings of not being good enough creep into my life. There are times when I want to complain, vent, even feel sorry for myself; times I play “small” by acting more from fear than trust and abundance.

To my credit, there are also many moments when I make the “hero’s choice;” moments I take full responsibility for my negative thoughts and emotions and create a positive outcome; moments when I’m fully present to life; moments when I stand tall in the midst of adversity; moments I act with courage and clarity of purpose to make good happen, no matter what.

My purpose is to do this again … and again … and again … until it is the only way I know how to live. Until I’m truly (in the words of Abraham Maslow) a self-actualized human being. That’s why I created the Human Development Institute. It’s why I created the LIVE BIG! seminar.

I apologize that I’m not a perfect role model. But the truth is that I’ve come a long way in this journey to live from my higher self. Today, I live big more than I live little. But it hasn’t always been an easy journey. Nor should it be an easy journey. After all, the goal of making my book a best-seller would not have been easy. And this journey of self-transformation is far more worthy of my commitment and passion.

You know how I know I’m making progress? It’s when I’m in the middle of a tough key moment (challenge or adversity) and I can say, “making a good choice right now feels like the hardest thing I’ll ever do.” And then I step into my “higher self” and I make that choice anyway. And the feelings of exhilaration, integrity, peace, love or goodwill tell me that I’ve won.

I invite you to join me in this journey to LIVE BIG! It’s not a journey we travel alone. We’re all in this together—supporting, loving and inspiring one another along the way. In fact, come to think of it, that’s why I don’t need to be a perfect role model. It’s not about me. It’s about you and me and all of us helping one come from a bigger place.

The Stories We Tell

One of my favorite stories was “The Little Engine Who Could.” Just recently I was climbing a “Fourteener” in Colorado. The day was hot. The route to the steepest part of the ascent had been long and I was panting hard as I tried to make my way up an unmarked trail over a steep field of boulders. I recall settling into a steady rhythm with a familiar cadence playing in the back of my mind. “I think I can. I think I can.”

One of my children’s favorite stories was “How to be Perfect in Just Three Days.” It is a fun and humorous story about a little boy who learned that he couldn’t and, even more importantly, didn’t need to be perfect.

Stories such as these play an important role in our lives. Not only do they entertain, but their lessons help shape how we think and feel about life.

And I’ve noticed that we don’t stop story-telling because we grow up. In fact, we tell ourselves stories every day. And the most important stories we tell are about our own lives. There is a monologue going on almost continually in the back of our minds about the events that happen to us on a day-to-day basis. We not only go through event after event but we talk to ourselves about the meaning of these events.

Perhaps the most critical time we tell ourselves stories is during a challenge. And the most important stories we tell ourselves determine how we make it through those challenges. Unfortunately, lots of people tell themselves stories based on fear and insecurity. “Nothing ever goes right” stories. Life is one set of problems after another. They don’t see the blessings and abundance of life but their antennae is attuned to the bad.

Others tell themselves “victim stories.” They insist that circumstances and other people are the cause of their problems. They magnify the actions of others while minimizing their own responsibility for what happens.

Others get caught up in “I might lose” stories. These stories are told by people who are afraid to dream or who put off their visions in order to find security and avoid the fears of failure, rejection or discomfort. As a result, they minimize growth and joy as well as potential losses.

Lots of folks tell themselves “I’m not good enough” stories. They put the brakes on their potential because they feel undeserving of success and happiness as they focus on their weaknesses, real or perceived, as well as guilt about the past.

Others tell “I can’t win” stories. These stories assume that either choices or one’s ability to exercise those choices are limited.  “I can’t help it.” “People don’t support me.” “I don’t have the authority.” People who buy into these stories believe they are powerless (not inadequate) to have what they want in life.

What stories do you tell yourself? Especially when things don’t go the way you want? When you get negative feedback? When you fail to get the promotion you wanted? When you’re laid off? When you are sick? Or you see someone who lives in a bigger house? When you get up and go to work every day?

These stories are powerful influencers of our moods, attitudes and behavior. Life is like a movie projector. We project our stories (our core beliefs) onto the world around us and they come back in the form of our experience. And the truth is you can build a case for whatever you tell yourself. You can find plenty of reasons to tell yourself negative stories or positive stories. The origin of your experience in life is not “out there.” It is “in here.”

I remember a story of young boy who asked his mother to come and watch him hit a ball. He tossed it up and swung, missing the ball. He tossed it up again, swung and missed. After tossing it in the air and missing a number of times, he looked at his mother and said, “I sure am a good pitcher.”

The good news is that, once you become aware that you are the one telling the stories, you have a choice. It isn’t always an easy choice. Especially if you’ve been telling yourself negative stories for a long time.

Most everyone who “makes it” in life tell themselves positive stories. People get through incredible adversity because they tell themselves stories that are positive and empowering. Likewise, people achieve incredible success because they tell themselves stories that are positive and empowering.

What is your dream? What do you really want from life? What stories do you need to tell yourself to live that dream? Say it out loud. Again. Write it down. Practice telling that story over and over until it becomes who you are. And, like a little child, discover the joy that can come into your life through the stories you tell.

The Hero Principle

We typically think of heroes as larger than life characters that possess extra-ordinary capabilities or who put themselves in harms way to save others. No problem with that definition. But, I also believe that heroes are everyday people who face life squarely and make choices based on courage, honor, compassion or integrity. What makes them heroes is not something extraordinary but how they handle the day-to-day circumstances and events.

Here are a few myths and realities about heroes.

My message is that you can be a hero in your own life and in the lives of those around you. (No doubt in many ways you already are.) You are a hero as you step up to difficult situations and events (key moments) with courage; as you choose your attitude rather than leaving it to circumstances of the moment; as you enter into a difficult conversation you’d prefer to avoid; as you accept accountability rather than blame when things go wrong; as you raise your sights from getting by to making a difference in a position or area of personal responsibility.

It is not always easy to live this way. It takes commitment and persistence. It is far easier to live from the motives of fear or obligation, to live going through the motions of life. However, as you make the “hero’s choice” in the day-to-day moments of your life learn that you are bigger than whatever shows up in your life. And, you grow in character, which is the ultimate source of personal satisfaction, peace, and fulfillment.

The purpose of our products and seminars is to support you in this journey.  At HDI we help you find the courage to make tough choices, strengthening choices, good choices—choices that make a difference to yourself, your relationships, and the organizations of which you are a part.

How to Make Change Stick

The challenge in personal development is not a shortage of ideas. It is how to make those ideas stick; to actually incorporate them into your life so they make a difference. So, I want to issue you a challenge when you read or listen to our products. Take them beyond ideas and put them into action. Here’s how.

1. Zero in on a principle or idea that makes sense to you; something you know would truly make a difference if you fully integrated this idea into your life. (For example, “I want to make the ‘hero’s choice’ rather than blame when in a key moment.”)
2. Describe all the consequences of not making this change. What is it costing you? Ponder this deeply and write down all ideas that come to your mind.
3. Describe your life if you fully lived this principle or idea. What would be the consequences? What rewards would you gain?
4. What payoffs (secondary rewards) would you have to give up to make this change? List all you can think of.
5. What is the price tag associated with making the change? What will it cost you? (There’s no such thing as a free lunch.)
6. What new choices would you need to make? What would you need to do, what action would you need to take? Write this down.
7. After pondering deeply, is it still important to make this change in your life?
8. If so, then take action on it right now. This minute. Don’t wait until the time is right. What can you do NOW to make this a reality? Take this action.
9. Keep acting on this change for the next 30-Days. Don’t think in terms of the rest of your life. Make the change for the next month and then revisit your decision to see if it’s something you want to continue.

It is not easy to change our patterns of thought, emotion, and behavior. But it starts with getting out of thinking and into action. You have to do something to make it real. By focusing on one change and walking through these steps, you’ll take more command of your personal growth than by filling your mind with more good ideas.